Akatsuki Crack: The Chocolate Rain
by Yaoi-Chibi
Summary: Deidara is pissed about his "man" and Sasori floods the bathroom. Itachi suffers teen angst and Paine adopts a kitty. When Iruka is a maid, all hell breaks loose. Crack oneshot RP. Do not read if you suffer seizures easily. For your entertainment.


"**Sasori's MY MAN!" It was an overprotective statement, yet, somewhat ineffective, as it was directed to a cat. The screaming blonde jumped over the sofa in the living room of the notorious Akatsuki hideout, kicking the feline out of his "man"'s lap. It was a VIP seat, no one, not even the leader's new baby kitten, Furball, could take it.**

**An angered scarlet haired man stood up and trotted out of the room. **

"**I'm not yours!" He yelled out in a furious tone. **

**Itachi had entered the room along with Kisame and looked at Deidara with a puzzled expression.**

"**What happened here?"Kisame coughed and lifted his sword so that it rested on his shoulder as the raven haired man grinned with amusement.**

"**Pain's cat was sitting on Sa's lap!" Deidara whined, oblivious to the intimidating men and the fact that he was only wearing a towel, as he was coming out of the shower when he saw the neko's intrusion. The blonde fell backward, planning to land on his partner's newly unoccupied lap, but falling short, looking up just in time to see the door slam. "Sasori-!" **

**Sasori threw himself on the soft cushion of his futon, yawning. He picked up a novel by his bedside and flipped it open to the page full of puppets from the new "Art Weekly" magazine he got every month. **

**Meanwhile, the other room was exposed to noise and annoyance as Itachi's amusement turned into sadness. A frown formed on his face and he glanced at Kisame. **

"**Can you give me some privacy for a minute?" His voice was pleading, almost begging. **

**Deidara, not even feeling the living room shift into an uchiha emo corner, ran into sasori's room, tackling the futon. "DANNAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHAT YA READING UN? PORN DESU KA?"**

**Kisame frowned. "As long as the police don't get involved this time. I'll be in the kitchen."**

…………**..In the kitchen, Zetsu was sprawled on the floor, in despair, his tears, filled with miracle grow, fell on the linoleum. **

**Hidan was cooking cabbage.**

**Sasori's platinum eyes grew wide with fear and he fell off of the bed in an instant.**

"**WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE!? GET OUT YOU BRAT!"He tossed the covers over the blonde who lied dead on the floor and rolled off the bed, crushing Deidara. He then got up for a second time, playing hard to get and exiting the room in a peaceful manner.**

**Itachi flipped his bangs and walked into Sasori's room, finding a lump on the ground hidden by sheets. **

"**Deidara?" He whispered in a creeper voice.**

**Kisame stared at Zetsu on the kitchen floor, getting their mango colored tiles all filthy. He grunted to himself and threw some left over soil onto the useless, dead plant and took a seat at the dining table.**

"**So when's dinner?" He asked.**

**Deidara flailed under the covers for a minute, until his blonde head popped out. He studied Itachi with blue eyes for a fraction of a second before his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.. "Itachi? Where did Sasori go?..and what does.."fuck" mean again? I forget."**

**Zetsu sprouted a few seconds later, a earthworm on his nose. "I'm over it now." **

**Hidan ignored him, answering kisame: "Whenever the god proclaims."**

**Zetsu perked up, asking happily "Are we having bodies?"**

**Itachi, "I don't know and I don't fucking give a shit. And I can show you what fuck is if you'd like." He smiled devilishly at the blonde who wore an innocent look on his features. **

**Kisame's stomach growled and he banged his fist on the table, cracking it until it soon broke in half. Hidan, "Yes, yes we are. I have sacrificed that strange feline I found wandering the house for the 100th time in nearly a month." " 'fucking give a shit?' Is it something you do in the bathroom? Sasori's in the bathroom!? Deidara got up, his towel lost under the covers, and crawled to the bathroom door, sitting on his knees, knocking on it. "Danna!!!!!!! Open Up!**

**Zetsu, happy until only a minute ago, tackled Kisame in rage. "YOU MADE MY POOR BROTHERS DEATH A WASTE!!!? I FINALLY ACCEPTED HIS BODY BEING TURNED INTO A TABLE AD YOU RUINED IT!?? I'LL TURN YOU INTO SASHIMI!"**

**To make the kitchen commotion worse, Pain rushed in, arms full of cat toys, wearing a tight shirt with a picture of his cat, now in Hidan's soup. "Furball 3 Where are you Furball?"**

**Sasori groaned to himself and put a hand over his eyes as he lied in the tub. He didn't answer the menacing blonde as he looked at his elbow. It was starting to grow soggy and he grimaced.**

**Itachi followed Deidara, copying his movements and soon crawled until he was behind Deidara, staring straight at his ass. **

"**Entrance" He spat out, biting Deidara's bum.**

**Kisame shrieked and grabbed Hidan's ankle, causing the man to drop the boiling pot of cooking cat onto the three of them. Zetsu then turned into tasty peas and Kisame's stench smelled strongly of period blood.**

**The cat head had rolled out of the pot and onto their leader's feet.**

**Deidara shrieked, "DANNNNNNNNNNNNA A WEASEL BIT MY BOTTOM!!!!" He turned to face Itachi, a look of panic crossing his face. "HE SEEMS TO LIKE IT!!! D:"**

**Zetsu was canned, and sent to Africa, where he was fought over by starving Ethiopians. Kisame turned into a fish taco.**

**Pain was enraged. His poor precious sex toy. Used as food.**

**Someone was going to pay.**

**His eyes fell to Hidan, lying on the floor.**

**Sasori ignored Deidara constantly and growled. Itachi let go after a few minutes and witnessed that he had left a tremendous bruise on the other's pale butt cheek….or was it a hickey? Hidan stared up at Pain and shrugged. "I didn't know that the thing belonged to you. Put a name tag on it next time." **

"**SA-SO-RI!!" Deidara screamed, now aware that he was naked, and that Itachi was behind him, eyeing him with red eyes. "Just..tell me…." He whispered in the crack of the door, his chest pressed up against the wood that felt so much like Sasori's skin. "what does fuck mean"**

**Pain smiled sardonically, throwing the cat's head on the pile of tacos and vegtables. "GLADLY" He pushed Hidan to the ground, pulling out a dog collar.**

**Sasori, "IT MEANS YOU'RE A GOD DAMN PUSSY ASS CUNT CAKE!" **

**Itachi got up, throwing his cloak off revealing his naked body and pulled out a can of whipped cream out of his ass. He sprayed it all on Deidara's behind and wrote entrance just above the crack. **

**Hidan stared at Pain with fear in his eyes and he stumbled backwards. "What's that for?" He asked.**

"**DANNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE'S GOT…HYDROGENATED OIL!!" Deidara stuck his tongue out, thinking about the reddi whip process that he had seen on a commerical when he was watching next top model. "I THINK HE'S PUSSY CUNT CAKEING ME!" **

**Pain smiled once more, snapping the collar around Hidan's neck. The tag read: "pussy"**

**Sasori snorted, getting out of the tub at last and stuffed a roll of toilet paper into the toilet, flushing it as it soon flooded and leaked out of the door into the hallway. **

**Itachi stuck his tongue out as well, tracing the words off of Deidara's ass with his saliva. "Mhmm…" He moaned to himself.**

**Hidan shoved Pain back and screamed, "RAPE RAPE RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!"**

**Deidara jumped, then looked down.. He felt..Wet……Toliet water was seeping around his knees. It was brownish-in color. "I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A SHIT!!!!!!!!" He screamed, knocking Itachi away and getting up, fleeing across the room away from the shit water and the pervy weasel.**

**Pain laughed. "It's not rape if you enjoy it."**

"**THANK YOU" Sasori screamed. "I hope his anger meter is OVER 9000!" He sniffed through the air and soon peered at the ground. It smelled awfully like diarrhea. "UGH!" the red head blew up and stomped his foot on the ground and noticed he accidentally stepped on a pile of crap again as it squirted onto the mirror.**

**He slammed the door open and its screws fell out, falling down onto the ground as he ran Itachi over tracking his shit filled shoes all over his body.**

"**!?" Itachi went into the fetal position and sucked his thumb, tears streaming down his face.**

**Hidan growled, "I won't fucking enjoy it and I can guarentee you that."**

**Danna! My knees turned interacial! Deidara stated happily, rushing across the room again to tackle his shitty love. "Why is chocolate going everywhere?" **

**He looked over to Itachi. "It would go well with Ita-chan's whipped cream."**

**Pain smiled, leaning over Hidan, when choclate began filling the kitchen …**

**Sasori, "EWWW YUCK GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME YOU BITCH! YOU SMELL LIKE THE INSIDE OF YOUR ASS!"Itachi lye there, rolling back and forth, his eyes staring wide and pleading for help. The sharingun soon activated and the poop that Itachi's eyes saw turned to chocolate and he began spraying whipped cream all over the floor and eating it. He soon died of shit poisoning….**

**Hidan made a face and looked straight at Pain, "Did you just fart?" He waved a hand in front of his nose, trying to get rid of the smell. "EUGHUUUUHHHHHHHH!" **

**There was a knock on the door and a tan man with dark brown locks stood outside. A scar ran across his nose and he wore a maid outfit…x:**

"**And you smell like….um….termites and wax." Deidara smiled, rubbing his face on Sasori's chest. **

**He then looked at Itachi's corpse. "The weasel shouldn't have eaten my ass. It's all for you 3"**

"**Iruka. Kakashi sold me your soul for a walmart gift card. Clean up this shit NOW" Pain ordered, dragging Hidan by his hair to the other side of the kitchen.**

**Sasori grabbed Deidara's nose and did the nose trick. "I got your nose!" He said, pretending to throw it across the room.**

**Iruka looked at the floor and kneeled down; the maid dress was frilly and with his hair down he resembled a woman as he buttocks stuck out of the thong he was forced to wear. Oh gawds was his balls hurting in it. He dragged a finger across the floor and licked his finger. "It's chocolate you idiots."**

"**I don't need it…really." Deidara smiled, now noseless, thanks to Kishimoto falling asleep at the artist desk. "I have you…you got me ..all this chocolate for valentine's day, huh un?"**

**Sasori rolled his eyes, "Just shuddup already." He placed a finger on the other's mouth and kissed him, despite the brown stuff on his lips. (IT REALLY IS FUCKING CHOCOLATE TOBY LEFT SNICKER BARS ALL IN THE DRAIN OKAY!?)**

**Meanwhile, Pain forced Hidan to lick all of the chocolate up and Iruka was sold once again as a sex slave to someone by the name of XxScarecrowxX over the interwebs. Little did he know….it was actually Kakashi .;;**

**~End!!!!!?????**


End file.
